Paul's Blog

Hmmm

I’m a little perplexed. Things are happening around me, yet I don’t quite know what’s exactly going on. Or maybe I’m just making a lot out of nothing.

I played a high stakes risk last week, and it didn’t really pay off. Admitting feelings for Helen, though brave, was pretty foolish in the effects. I didn’t expect things to spiral to the extent they have. What was more interesting in just how much other people knew without being told anything directly – by me at least. Gareth insisted to go out for coffee in which he ran down the situation to the letter only to ask why I hadn’t said anything about it and that he’d inferred and worked most of it out himself. I under-estimated the power of the house, and for that I deserved the awkward questions.

But there’s more than that running round the house at the moment. It’s strange. Yeah, it’s exam term and all, but there’s a nervous tension about the house, and something’s going to have to break to make any further progress.

OK, so there’s more. I haven’t spoken to Claire now for a month (I count because it makes more sense to understand what’s going on. I don’t think about it constantly, I’m just aware of when things happen and what their significance is when my mind just gently mulls over and passes by it.) And the situation is glorious. I feel pretty balanced (well, as balanced as I can be given my insanely volatile nature) but it’s a nice feeling to have knowing that I’ve more or less let go. I’ve unblocked her on my MSN and GoogleTalk because I want relations to soften a little. I’m tired of walking out of a room when she walks in. But the tension is still there and it’s often the easiest thing to do. I know I can’t bear to see her and Craig together as a couple, but I reckon I can take her on once more – if the opportunity comes up again that is. As for things with Helen, well, nervous tension is a fair description, but I’m confident time will heal things over again. We were/are too good friends to let something like this ruin the pair of us, and it’s that reason why things shouldn’t go any further. It makes sense, honest!

Still, it’s a funny mood I’m in and I put it down to being tired with a fair amount of work to do, but still being ecstatic that I got the Japan summer placement and I’m jetting off there for a month this summer! Who says you can’t have it all?

Speak to you soon

Paul

posted by Paul @ 6:21 PM 1 comments

It's about bloody time...

Wow, well it has been a little while, hasn’t it?

And my my my, was I a very angry little blogger too. I surprise myself sometimes at just how lost and confused I’ve been over the past year. Well, maybe, just maybe it’s time for a small change.

It’s been a fantastical time – with absolutely sky high moments and the crushing lows in almost perfect complement tossing me from one extreme to the other. The lows are magnified because they tend to hit the blog harder and that’s a shame.

Still, recently I’ve been setting some time to think, ponder and muse the general situation (in that order) and just where I am after everything. Sod the past, it’s the present that counts and oh boy, is the present cool. The pondering has been completed either over coffee (of which I managed a crazy 25 coffees/chats with 16 different people in only 18 days) or on quiet journeys staring out into the stunning Pennine landscape or the flat yellow fields of ‘rape stretching out as far as you could see.

The result of this musing (apart from the rambling and vague (but rare) blog) you ask?

Well, I’ve decided just how bloody damn good things are. I’m finally relaxed again and I’ve been like this for more than a straight week now. That’s how blatantly cool everything is. I have the most amazing collection of friends surrounding me – and not a single one of you can understand what that feels like and how extensive that runs. And it’s this massively collective feeling that is so awe-inspiringly powerful, because I just feel free. I can (and indeed do) do what I want to do with the people closest to me. I can smile for completely no reason and continue to smile for completely no reason to an abnormal extent. Finally, and most mind-shattering, is that I’m content with everything. And this is, I think, a pretty important place to celebrate being in. To have a position where there is nothing notably going wrong, nothing that notably needs changing and nothing that notably needs making better or fixing. It’s, for want of a better word, beautiful.

So, long may it last!

posted by Paul @ 8:22 PM 2 comments

What the hell is going on?

I’m one week back into the new term, but it may as well be way back at the beginning of last term as far as things in general are concerned. I’m still equally lost and at complete dismay with all things to do with little miss Claire and I’m only getting ever more aggravated about it. Why can’t she treat me like a person? Why can’t she give me a little bit of honesty. Why do I have to push for it just so that I can have a reason for what she’s doing. Then, the moment I do try and ask for some form of truth, I get beaten back in a ‘how very dare you’ kind of manner. I ask you!

I admit I haven’t been the easiest thing to deal with throughout, but at least I gave her honesty and consistent honesty at that. What do I get in return? Half truths, lies and falsities as she tries to humour me. If it’s getting down to that, why the devil hasn’t she walked away from it all? I don’t have that option, because I still have overwhelming feelings for her. But all in all, I thought I deserved more than what she’s struggled and begrudgingly given me. Accused of double standards now, I can’t see how she can feasibly argue that one away, because she’s hardly innocent about that one. Bah! It gets right under the skin, knowing she still thinks she’s bloody right in all of this. What? Her biggest ally and the person most likely to understand what was going through her mind during the Chile trip has finally conceded that even he doesn’t understand why she took things in the way that she did. But to herself, she’s still the incredible and all knowing fortress, not letting the tiniest thing go against her.

And why can’t I just drop things and toddle off, knowing she’s like this? I still love her. And that has to be the most aggravating part of it all.

posted by Paul @ 9:01 PM 2 comments

A New Year, A New Post

And it’s a bright and breezy good day to one and all that might happen to stumble upon this post.

My first post of the year was supposed to be much earlier than this, but needs must as the devil drives I suppose. Everyday I’m torn between so many different things to do, and all of them are exactly easy to complete.

The new year began by completely wiping my resolve and leaving me as destroyed as I was all the way back on that fateful October afternoon on returning to Cambridge. The trivial details have changed a little, but the main argument futilely remains the same and once again I am lost as to what to do about it all. The most common piece of advice at the moment is to accept it and move on, but how can I? And how can I be sure that I’m completing that seemingly impossible task. There’s nothing to say that I’m achieving it, and sometimes I feel as though I might be getting somewhere, but then I’m dashed a few days on when everything comes tumbling down again. There’s no magic way out of this, only hard paths to take, but when the argument is so old and stale, yet no result has appeared, what else can comfortably reach the front of my mind without trying? Yup, I go into the new year as I feared I would be doing. The ending, I have to add though, was a fantastic one – in all ways concerned – so there’s definitely hope…

Moving on though, and looking forwards rather than backwards, 2007 should be a fair year. More opportunities, more chances, more options to choose from and more fun to have. Heck, every year is like that, but no one likes to mention it too much. **grins** Still, I look forward to seeing the beautiful people, spending fun times with the beautiful people and generally being a beautiful person myself at some point in the near future. If nothing else but because we’re all beautiful people together! Though few people take me up on that call…

I thought I’d say more than just this, but, well, never mind. Hopefully more posts should come throughout the year, but only natural ones with something that could resemble a flow… Hopefully…

See you all soon!

El Paulo

posted by Paul @ 10:13 PM 2 comments

It's all over

posted by Paul @ 8:23 PM 4 comments

Just an update...

All,

Given my mood in my last few updates, I thought it was best to post another, just to keep you up to date.

Tonight, I am back in action. I feel like me again – which is good for me, probably a reason to fear for all of you. But, it’ll be short lived, because my mood swings have been pretty extreme over the past few days, and I can’t predict anything about them. The one single issue still hangs over me like a dark cloud, ready to wash away any good feelings I might be having at that moment.

There are so many things I want to say, and finally I’m beginning to say them in a more coherent manner. Perhaps the crowning moment of the week was being accused of putting someone up to speaking to Claire. I mean, would I stir up such trouble? Well, yes I would. But not this long after the event, and not just one person. She doesn’t understand that I could have done so much more and much earlier than this if I was going to do something along this line. It aggravates me that no matter how many times I explained, she’d still accuse me again. And the more accusing, the more likely I am to go out and cause more trouble. In fact, because I keep telling people about this one little fact, it’s happening now, but all her own doing. **smirks** I love it when a good plan just forms without any effort of foreplanning.

Despite all the bad and bitter feelings inside me, they’re becoming more structured. The fact that she lied to me, and has maintained a single lie has become maddening in the way she won’t admit it. She said she wouldn’t decide anything until returning. Ha! Not only was the thinking done over the holiday, the decision was taken well before arriving, simply confirmed by how she acted on the first day back. So that’s straight in my head now.

Complementing this little gem is the fact that outwardly nothing has changed in her nature. OK, I can understand why and it’s only worked against her. People have seen me completely wiped, whilst she continues as they’ve always seen her and classed her as the bitch in all of this. Again, encouraging people to get involved in this without my encouragement.

Her complete lack of compromise throughout the past seven weeks has also been a prime annoyance and something impossible to work with. I haven’t handled it well, but how do you speak to someone who is focused on a completely different task and won’t even recognise the notion that you’re in the room with them? That riled me numerous times.

And now, after so many weeks of being friendly with me, she’s taken to blanking me completely. Not even a ‘hello’ or equivalent nod or eye contact. Nothing. I give my enemies more than that!

And still, after all of this, she doesn’t understand what she’s done to cause all of this. She can’t admit that the blame is with her and only her. I hold up my hands and say I have made things worse over the past two months than they could have been, but I did my best in a dire situation. She did practically nothing.

This has been overwhelmingly one sided, but these are the bits that form the argument in my mind. Especially as I carry the fact that I still love her despite this. This isn’t a life anymore, it’s a trial, a quest for survival and sanity. (OK, so I never had too much to lose, but at least it was almost coherent!)

Thanks for reading! See you all soon. I’m back on the December 6.

El Paulo

posted by Paul @ 12:06 AM 9 comments

I'm back, and I'm bad. Obviously between certain preset paraemters...

Friends, associates and people who happen to stumble upon this weird blog

The message is simple: I’m back again!

It’s been a difficult and long four weeks for all concerned, and I thank each and every one of you for your support and friendship. It pulled me through; there’s absolutely no denying that.

But, as for the now and present. I’m back and I’m better than ever! Oh yeah!

So be afraid, puzzled, scared, or whatever. Just don’t worry about me, because I’m all there once more! Well, as near as I’ve ever been!

Ta taa for now

**massive double arm wave**

El Paulo

posted by Paul @ 12:27 AM 2 comments

Bollocks...

Guys, I think I might need some help…

I’m stuck. Well and truly stuck. This thing between Claire and I has completely consumed me from the inside and broken down so many things to boot. Sometimes I’m happy, but more often than not I’m falling to pieces. I can’t control it. To have someone who’s been so very warm towards you turn and be so very cold hurts. And when they then ask what they can do to try and make things better, too. Ha! It’s complete bollocks really. I have so many things to say back, each one more pointed than the last. Keeping quiet is another part of the struggle. An amicable ending to this would be preferred, because otherwise there’ll be sparks of a completely different nature to how it started.

It’s that keeping quiet and almost composed that’s hurting the most. I don’t know how to deal with this one. There’s nowhere to run and hiding doesn’t feel like an option. I feel so pathetic both blogging this, but I don’t know what else to do. Dropping into someone’s room and blurting it all out doesn’t feel right, yet it’s definitely something to consider; safe in the knowledge that I’m only going to break down yet again whilst doing it.

Long and short of it. I’m getting through the days, but I wouldn’t call this living…

Paul

posted by Paul @ 12:15 AM 2 comments

What is this all about?

To have the step from someone being so warm to so cold. From being so happy to so bitter. From being together to being so very far apart. How does that hurt so badly? How does that cut the skin down to the bone? To make you so full of rage and words yet you stay as silent as the grave. And how on earth do you cope with that span of pent up emotion? Simply how?

posted by Paul @ 10:20 PM 0 comments

Help

All things considered, what is the best course of action to take when fighting an impossible battle? Is it to run? Is it to fight on in vain? Is there any way of combining the two and still maintaining a clear conscience? At the moment, I simply don’t know, nor understand.

The past fortnight has been one of the longest of my life and it’s been a constant struggle between a slim grasp of sanity or tumbling into the ravine of insanity. To have your own world built so nicely, only for someone to tear one of the keystones from the structure to bring everything crashing down and hitting reality with a very real ‘thud’ is soul destroying. Utterly and completely.

And once all the turmoil is over, how do you start rebuilding? Where do you start?

The questions continually flow, yet no answer has come to the head as of yet. It’s been a hard fortnight since returning to uni and having what was my world torn to shreds, and there’s still a long way to go yet because everyday feels like heading back to square one once more. Coping is the right term, but how long the happy façade can last is beyond me. I’m crying inside, yet trying to show happiness on the outside and it’s not the preferred state to be in, I can assure you of that one. It’s all a matter of when I break, not if I break.

Help me.

posted by Paul @ 2:01 AM 2 comments