What the hell is going on?
Why is it happening in this manner? Why does it always have to happen in the most irritating way possible?
I’m one week back into the new term, but it may as well be way back at the beginning of last term as far as things in general are concerned. I’m still equally lost and at complete dismay with all things to do with little miss Claire and I’m only getting ever more aggravated about it. Why can’t she treat me like a person? Why can’t she give me a little bit of honesty. Why do I have to push for it just so that I can have a reason for what she’s doing. Then, the moment I do try and ask for some form of truth, I get beaten back in a ‘how very dare you’ kind of manner. I ask you!
I admit I haven’t been the easiest thing to deal with throughout, but at least I gave her honesty and consistent honesty at that. What do I get in return? Half truths, lies and falsities as she tries to humour me. If it’s getting down to that, why the devil hasn’t she walked away from it all? I don’t have that option, because I still have overwhelming feelings for her. But all in all, I thought I deserved more than what she’s struggled and begrudgingly given me. Accused of double standards now, I can’t see how she can feasibly argue that one away, because she’s hardly innocent about that one. Bah! It gets right under the skin, knowing she still thinks she’s bloody right in all of this. What? Her biggest ally and the person most likely to understand what was going through her mind during the Chile trip has finally conceded that even he doesn’t understand why she took things in the way that she did. But to herself, she’s still the incredible and all knowing fortress, not letting the tiniest thing go against her.
And why can’t I just drop things and toddle off, knowing she’s like this? I still love her. And that has to be the most aggravating part of it all.
A New Year, A New Post
And it’s a bright and breezy good day to one and all that might happen to stumble upon this post.
My first post of the year was supposed to be much earlier than this, but needs must as the devil drives I suppose. Everyday I’m torn between so many different things to do, and all of them are exactly easy to complete.
The new year began by completely wiping my resolve and leaving me as destroyed as I was all the way back on that fateful October afternoon on returning to Cambridge. The trivial details have changed a little, but the main argument futilely remains the same and once again I am lost as to what to do about it all. The most common piece of advice at the moment is to accept it and move on, but how can I? And how can I be sure that I’m completing that seemingly impossible task. There’s nothing to say that I’m achieving it, and sometimes I feel as though I might be getting somewhere, but then I’m dashed a few days on when everything comes tumbling down again. There’s no magic way out of this, only hard paths to take, but when the argument is so old and stale, yet no result has appeared, what else can comfortably reach the front of my mind without trying? Yup, I go into the new year as I feared I would be doing. The ending, I have to add though, was a fantastic one – in all ways concerned – so there’s definitely hope…
Moving on though, and looking forwards rather than backwards, 2007 should be a fair year. More opportunities, more chances, more options to choose from and more fun to have. Heck, every year is like that, but no one likes to mention it too much. **grins** Still, I look forward to seeing the beautiful people, spending fun times with the beautiful people and generally being a beautiful person myself at some point in the near future. If nothing else but because we’re all beautiful people together! Though few people take me up on that call…
I thought I’d say more than just this, but, well, never mind. Hopefully more posts should come throughout the year, but only natural ones with something that could resemble a flow… Hopefully…
See you all soon!
El Paulo
