Hmmm
I’m a little perplexed. Things are happening around me, yet I don’t quite know what’s exactly going on. Or maybe I’m just making a lot out of nothing.
I played a high stakes risk last week, and it didn’t really pay off. Admitting feelings for Helen, though brave, was pretty foolish in the effects. I didn’t expect things to spiral to the extent they have. What was more interesting in just how much other people knew without being told anything directly – by me at least. Gareth insisted to go out for coffee in which he ran down the situation to the letter only to ask why I hadn’t said anything about it and that he’d inferred and worked most of it out himself. I under-estimated the power of the house, and for that I deserved the awkward questions.
But there’s more than that running round the house at the moment. It’s strange. Yeah, it’s exam term and all, but there’s a nervous tension about the house, and something’s going to have to break to make any further progress.
OK, so there’s more. I haven’t spoken to Claire now for a month (I count because it makes more sense to understand what’s going on. I don’t think about it constantly, I’m just aware of when things happen and what their significance is when my mind just gently mulls over and passes by it.) And the situation is glorious. I feel pretty balanced (well, as balanced as I can be given my insanely volatile nature) but it’s a nice feeling to have knowing that I’ve more or less let go. I’ve unblocked her on my MSN and GoogleTalk because I want relations to soften a little. I’m tired of walking out of a room when she walks in. But the tension is still there and it’s often the easiest thing to do. I know I can’t bear to see her and Craig together as a couple, but I reckon I can take her on once more – if the opportunity comes up again that is. As for things with Helen, well, nervous tension is a fair description, but I’m confident time will heal things over again. We were/are too good friends to let something like this ruin the pair of us, and it’s that reason why things shouldn’t go any further. It makes sense, honest!
Still, it’s a funny mood I’m in and I put it down to being tired with a fair amount of work to do, but still being ecstatic that I got the Japan summer placement and I’m jetting off there for a month this summer! Who says you can’t have it all?
Speak to you soon
Paul
