Just an update...
All,
Given my mood in my last few updates, I thought it was best to post another, just to keep you up to date.
Tonight, I am back in action. I feel like me again – which is good for me, probably a reason to fear for all of you. But, it’ll be short lived, because my mood swings have been pretty extreme over the past few days, and I can’t predict anything about them. The one single issue still hangs over me like a dark cloud, ready to wash away any good feelings I might be having at that moment.
There are so many things I want to say, and finally I’m beginning to say them in a more coherent manner. Perhaps the crowning moment of the week was being accused of putting someone up to speaking to Claire. I mean, would I stir up such trouble? Well, yes I would. But not this long after the event, and not just one person. She doesn’t understand that I could have done so much more and much earlier than this if I was going to do something along this line. It aggravates me that no matter how many times I explained, she’d still accuse me again. And the more accusing, the more likely I am to go out and cause more trouble. In fact, because I keep telling people about this one little fact, it’s happening now, but all her own doing. **smirks** I love it when a good plan just forms without any effort of foreplanning.
Despite all the bad and bitter feelings inside me, they’re becoming more structured. The fact that she lied to me, and has maintained a single lie has become maddening in the way she won’t admit it. She said she wouldn’t decide anything until returning. Ha! Not only was the thinking done over the holiday, the decision was taken well before arriving, simply confirmed by how she acted on the first day back. So that’s straight in my head now.
Complementing this little gem is the fact that outwardly nothing has changed in her nature. OK, I can understand why and it’s only worked against her. People have seen me completely wiped, whilst she continues as they’ve always seen her and classed her as the bitch in all of this. Again, encouraging people to get involved in this without my encouragement.
Her complete lack of compromise throughout the past seven weeks has also been a prime annoyance and something impossible to work with. I haven’t handled it well, but how do you speak to someone who is focused on a completely different task and won’t even recognise the notion that you’re in the room with them? That riled me numerous times.
And now, after so many weeks of being friendly with me, she’s taken to blanking me completely. Not even a ‘hello’ or equivalent nod or eye contact. Nothing. I give my enemies more than that!
And still, after all of this, she doesn’t understand what she’s done to cause all of this. She can’t admit that the blame is with her and only her. I hold up my hands and say I have made things worse over the past two months than they could have been, but I did my best in a dire situation. She did practically nothing.
This has been overwhelmingly one sided, but these are the bits that form the argument in my mind. Especially as I carry the fact that I still love her despite this. This isn’t a life anymore, it’s a trial, a quest for survival and sanity. (OK, so I never had too much to lose, but at least it was almost coherent!)
Thanks for reading! See you all soon. I’m back on the December 6.
El Paulo
posted by Paul @ 12:06 AM
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